cutting through the wire

Several months ago, a good friend and I were talking about relationships, both romantic and platonic.
She said to me, "Phoenix, after you left C you covered your heart with steel wool, duck taped over it, and surrounded it all with barbed wire. You protect your heart very well by not letting anyone in....but you don't let anyone in."

I've been thinking about her words a lot the past few months. I think she's right.

I've always prided myself on being tough. Strong and unemotional.
(I'm a farm kid. Thats how we operate.)

After I left C I didn't cry for almost three years. Couldn't cry if I tried.
Finally, a friend helped me cry again and I spent the next six months crying and letting it all out.

And I've spent the last four months thinking about what my friend said to me.

About how it makes me nervous when my friends cry.
About how scared I am to ask for help when I need it because I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
About the women I've dated, and how I bail out when things have the possibility of getting serious.



At Fest this year I felt very open. I shared things and emotions with people that I would normally keep tucked away inside.

It felt good. It felt really good, actually.

One of my festie friends remarked that she always felt so good about herself at Fest, and I responded that the reason Fest was so great was that we weren't afraid to show our authentic selves there.

And then I realized that while I show many parts of myself outside of Fest, I only show my emotions while on The Land.

I think its time for that to change.

I've cut through the wire, and I'm slowly unwrapping the duck tape as I type.

So if you get a card or letter or an email in the next few weeks telling you exactly how much you mean to me, don't be surprised.