What is your most distinct childhood memory?

My most distinct childhood memory is my mother's criticism.

"K, stop talking. Your voice is annoying."
"Stop talking. Nobody cares what you have to say."
"You're so stupid. Why would anyone want to be your friend?"
"You annoy people. That's why nobody likes you."
"You shouldn't eat that. Nobody wants to be friends with a fat girl."
"You need to lose weight. Nobody likes fat people."
"Don't laugh. Your laugh is loud and annoying."
"Please don't sing in the choir. Your voice is horrible."
"Be quiet. Your voice is shrill and annoying, and nobody wants to hear you."
"Nobody likes you because you are fat and loud. I don't know how I ended up with a daughter like you."

Over and over and over. I spent hours trying to figure out why she hated me so much.



From my mother I learned to disappear.

When I stopped eating and talking and tried to take up as little space as possible, she finally liked me. She stopped criticizing me. I tried to be as tiny and quiet as possible so that she would continue to not hate me. I wanted her to like me.

One day she told me she had put on twenty pounds in fifth grade, so her mother had covered the fridge with pictures of cows and pigs and oinked every time my mother opened the door. She told me that her mother was trying to help her become a better person.

After she told me that, I knew why she treated me the way she did....and I stopped trying to make myself disappear.

At 36, I no longer give a damn what she thinks. I eat what I want, say what I want, and laugh loudly and happily whenever I want.

She may not like me, but she respects me.