Vegan-Licious

So as many of you know, I've been a full vegetarian for about a year, and a pescetarian for about two years before that.

However.
I recently started having what one might euphemistically call 'issues' with dairy foods.
Not just the usual pain and bloating associated with lactose intolerance, but also chest and back pain.

Please let it be known that I love the cheese. Its pretty much the reason I wake up some days, especially if I have a wedge of that brie with mushrooms in the fridge.
(I love that brie so much I've eaten it before even when i knew it was probably bad. Yes, its that good.)

However. At some point(much later than I'd like to admit) I decided that enough was enough and that I needed to cut back on the dairy.
So I went out and bought some vegan cheese.

It looked good on the shelf.

It looked good in the wrapper.

It looked good sitting in my fridge, this faux 'cheez' that was designed to save me from a life without bean and cheese burritos and cheese sammiches.

It looked good nestled against the eggs and salsa and tucked nicely into a tortilla.

However. It tasted like nothing I've ever had before. And not in a good way.

Thankfully, I was able to stop myself from vomiting on the front porch and instead managed to spit it out and simply gag a few times.

I put the remnants of it back on the plate and left it on the porch for the squirrels.

After some intense discussion with a friend who also had dairy 'issues', i decided to go cheese free for the three weeks before Fest.

Week one was rough. I'm accustomed to using the cheese as both a flavor enhancer and an effective source of protein, so it was a real shock for me.
I was terrified i wouldn't get enough protein, so I meticulously wrote down everything I ate.
I couldn't figure out how to make most of my recipes without cheese, so I ended up having to try new recipes I'd long since relegated to the I'll-try-it-on-a-rainy-day-if-I-have-nothing-better-to-do section of my recipe book.

Week two was better. I had figured out that I wasn't going to wither up and die of protein deprivation so I was able to make it several days on grains and veggies and fruit alone.

However. Week three I discovered I felt great. My aches and pains were gone, my skin was clearer, and I no longer had any stomach issues.

I left for fest. I bought a bunch of Lactaid as insurance, knowing that many of the fest meals had cheese. I figured that a small amount wouldn't hurt, especially if I popped a Lactaid beforehand.

I had already decided I was going to skip the cheese tasting---I like a bit of pain but I knew even if I was armed with mountains of Lactaid I wasn't able to take on the temptation of having piles of cheese laid out before me.
The first three days, I got the dairy free option at the meals.

Nutloaf was, surprisingly enough, even better without the cheese.
Chickpea feta salad was just as delicious without the feta.
Even the Waldorf Salad was better without the blue cheese.

Then came Morrocan stew night.
I've long hated the Morrocan stew for a variety of reasons, the main one being that it was served with a kale dish that lured me in every year with its promise of sesame seeds, then caused me to gag upon the first bite that reminded me of exactly the reasons I hated kale.
Also served with Morrocan stew was Banana Yogurt Raita, which I considered to be the only somewhat palatable part of the meal.
Maxine Dangerous refers to this meal as the trifecta of evil, and after my Banana Yogurt Raita experience this year I'm inclined to agree. But I digress.

However. I was hungry and didn't want to walk back to my tent just to have plain granola.
So I had the Morrocan stew. It wasn't as bad as I had remembered. Salt helped.
I had two bites of kale. Still pretty wretched, but I figured it wouldn't kill me.

Then I popped a Lactaid(I feel about 80 years old typing that phrase, btw) and ate a few spoonfuls of the delectable banana yogurt raita.
Then I went to have a cigarette with Trixie.

I was halfway through the cigarette when it hit.
I've never run to the Janes so quickly in my life. I'm pretty sure I broke some records for speed.

After this debacle(still a little shaky and sore), I ran into an acquaintance who also had dairy 'issues'(and was ironically enough, responsible for the cheese tasting that had been haunting my dairy fantasies for the past week).
She very slowly explained to me, much as one would explain to the village idiot, that my days of dairy were over. Told me that if the pain started within ten minutes, it was a dairy allergy and not lactose intolerance, and that no amount of Lactaid would cure it.

I cried a little.
I wrote in my journal.
I cursed the bodily defect that renders me unable to enjoy the dairy like everyone else in the world seems to be doing.
I vowed to try another brand of the vegan cheese.

I went without cheese the rest of the week.

I arrived at home. I went on the front porch.
The remnants of the vegan cheese were still there. The squirrels had meticulously picked away the bits of tortilla and eaten them, leaving only the vegan cheese behind.

I figured if the squirrels were afraid of it, it was a clear cut sign that I shouldn't even attempt it again.

So I went through my pantry. Got rid of anything containing dairy.
Requested a copy of Veganomicon at the library and went through all of my cookbooks to find quick and easy recipes that I could make.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a slumber party, where I will have my last hurrah wth dairy in the form of pizza.
Monday I'm starting an experimental six weeks of veganism.
If all goes well, it will probably end up being a permanent change in my life.

Wish me luck.