Bleeding

For almost two years, I bled every day. Not consistently, but randomly and heavily. 

Fibroids were the cause. One large fibroid, to be exact, along with two smaller ones and two ovarian cysts. A short lived pregnancy had altered the hormones in my body enough to cause the fibroids and cysts to start growing. 

I bled in the morning. I bled at night. I would get in the car to go home from work and the seat would be soaked in blood by the time I made my ten minute commute. I bled when my partner and I tried to have sex.  I would go an entire day without bleeding, then bend over or stretch and feel blood start gushing out. 

I stopped being able to use my Moon Cup. Or tampons, for that matter. The fibroid was so huge it would simply push them back out. 

After eighteen months of this, I got an infection. Not a regular UTI or bladder infection---it was spread throughout my body. My fibroid was causing my uterus to become swollen and infected. 

That's when I knew it was time for action. 

After speaking with several doctors, it was decided I'd get a uterine ablation. The doctors warned me that it probably wouldn't stop my monthly bleeding but at least it would make it impossible for the fibroid to grow back. The downside? I'd never be able to have children. My only other option was a full hysterectomy. I meditated on it at length and realized that I really didn't have any other options. 

In the weeks following the ablation, my body breathed a sigh of relief. My periods were shorter, lighter, and regular. The incessant cramping was gone, as was the random heavy bleeding that I'd been living with for so long. 

I don't regret doing it; I really had no other option. 

But every time I see a woman screaming at her children and telling them they are unwanted, and every time I hear a patient with six kids complaining about how she didn't want them in the first place, I feel a pang of sadness. I will never be a mother. I'll never know what it feels like to look into a child's eyes and bond with them. I'll never be able to nurture and raise a child the way I want to. People tell me(almost daily) that my partner and I should have kids, that we would be excellent and loving parents. They don't realize that it isn't possible for us. 

I'll never be a parent, and I'm reminded of it every month when I bleed.